


little soldier

by fragilou



Series: Still I Rise [1]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Drinking, Graphic Descriptions at times, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Torture, or sth like that, parents that turn into douchebags, so pls be careful, this gets very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 22:24:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8119822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilou/pseuds/fragilou
Summary: “we will always love you, jean. don’t ever forget that.” he says and then he leaves. you stand in the room for a few seconds or maybe minutes or hours and then you run to the door and pull it open, but when you look outside there is no one there. you step back into the room and sit down on the carpet. you don’t cry, because you promised to be strong and that means no crying.( Jean Moreau through the years; how he grows up, breaks, restarts and finally heals.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> guys, this took sooo long!  
> it's been chilling on my laptop since camp nanowrimo ended but I couldn't decide if I should post it yet. a second part is supposed to be written and posted at some point, but don't set your expectations too high. I'm lazy af.  
> A big thank you to my wonderful beta [Mayleah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayleah/pseuds/Mayleah) and all the amazing people of the [jeanmoreauprotectionsquad](http://jeanprotectionsquad.co.vu/).  
> Wouldn't have been able to make it to this point without y'all!  
> A warning to everyone: this is DARK(!) and if you are triggered by anything and it isn't listed in the tags I'M SO SORRY and please tell me about it so i can add it.
> 
> ohhh and btw sorry for any mistakes in spelling etc., I'm from germany so pls have mercy ;)  
> the title is taken from lily allens wonderful song "little soldier" which is amazing and always gives me hope.  
> maybe i'll make a playlist for this at some point idk.  
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://fragilou.tumblr.com/) and talk to me ;)  
> i hope you like it and feel free to comment :)

**iv.**

at four you’re her little favourite boy. you are taller than most boys your age, you’ve got a mob of brown curls on your head and you love running through the grass when it almost reaches your knees. It’s the most beautiful feeling in the world and you’re so full of happiness. your maman looks at you and whispers, “mon petit chou!”, and you laugh and run in circles, wild and free and she catches you and twirls you around.

your mother’s love is something you don’t question at this age, it’s unconditional, as the love of a mother should be. the two of you walk to the beach and sit down in the sand. she looks at the ocean, her blonde hair flows around her head and you think she looks like an angel while you draw in the sand and she smiles at you and says: “that’s beautiful, chéri. you’re going to be an artist one day.”

at that point in your life you still have a future. there is no worry in your eyes or her eyes. no fear or pain. you’re a child and no one expects you to be anything else.

**vi.**

when you’re six your sister is born. at first you are a bit jealous, because maman pays so much attention to lucille and what’s the special thing about her anyway? she’s just a little baby that can do nothing but cry and sleep. you don’t understand the fuss until your mother presses her into your arms and whispers: “say hello to your baby sister, jean” and you look at her and she has the same eye colour your mother has. you fall in love with this little baby and you promise to protect her from all the bad in the world, before you even know what bad there is.

brotherhood fits you well, finally there is another person who will soon be able to join you on your adventures. it gets lonely sometimes in your parents mansion, when your parents are busy and the nanny wants you to sit down and learn english grammar.

your father has made the decision that you need to learn english as quick as possible which you don’t understand and your mother doesn’t like (“ _la langue des idiots!_ _des américains!”),_ but you still oblige and do your best, because if you do well your father will swipe you up in his arms and press you to his warm chest as he carries you up the stairs to your bedroom.

your papa says to your maman one day that you need to learn english to take over the family business and maman gets angry at that, but you sneak into little lucilles room and tell her how excited you are about it even though you don’t know what the family business is. it doesn’t matter, you think. because it’s your papa and he is a hero.

**vii.**

at seven you start making some friends at school. mostly you keep to yourself and your colouring books, but there is louise who always plays with your curls and théo who tells you your pictures look nice. sometimes you play together at the beach and your mother tells you not to got too deep into the water and calls you her little poisson, because there is little you like as much as swimming and drawing.

maybe it isn’t even about the swimming and more about it being marseilles. beautiful, beautiful marseilles with it’s hot summer sun and the shimmering ocean and the sweet people.

“je t’aime, mon soleil,” maman whispers as she wraps a towel around your wet body and you grin down at her as she sits in the sand with a book next to her and sunglasses in her hair. louise giggles and tugs at your hair and théo asks you if you want to build a castle of sand.

you’re young and carefree and that’s your last memory without the everlasting obsession that catches onto you the next year.

**viii.**

you’re eight when your sister starts talking and running around the house like the whirlwind you once were and still kind of are. her blonde mane is flowing after her and she keeps tugging at your sleeve and calling you J which your mother hates, because it’s such an american habit, but she is silently as endeared by this sweet princesse as everyone is.

this is the year your father becomes more stressed with work and one day your mother suddenly takes you on a trip to the city and you go to a court where they play a game with sticks and a ball and you watch animatedly until you understand where the ball is supposed to go and which player has to do what.

“that’s exy,” your mother says quietly into your ear, “your father thinks you would enjoy it.” you don’t wait to hear your mothers opinion about it, but run closer to the court so you can see everything. your mother talks to the coach and signs you up for lessons.

you are certainly not the best player yet (and that is your goal you realise, that is what comes first and foremost now), but you get better. you train as much as you can, you read all the books about it and watch the games. your father is proud and happy with this development, it shows in the way he ruffles your hair and presses you close to his chest after an exhausting day at work. your mother doesn’t like it. she wants you to spend more time studying, drawing and playing the piano and the violin. but the piano is boring and you have no passion for the violin which sounds kind of off most of the times and, in your opinion, doesn’t hold much beauty.

you’re french, so you have a passion for beautiful things. it just so happens that to you the racquet is one of the most beautiful things you have ever seen.

you still go to the beach, though, and you still meet your friends and do your chores and play with lucille, but exy has taken on a big spot in your heart and it’s always in the back of your mind no matter what you do. you love running across the court and the feeling that rushes through your body when the ball hits your racquet.

you notice that your father gets more and more stressed and your maman often looks worried now and tells you to get better at english which is strange, because wasn’t she the one who did not want you to learn the language?

school bores you, the teachers ask stupid, easy questions and you think it’s a waste of your time. your mother makes you sit through important business and family dinners where you have to wear a tie and your mother gels your hair which is just disgusting.

at these dinners you sit and behave and smile and when someone asks you a question you answer, but your mind is with the exy game you watched a few hours ago and the desire to just get up and leave for your room is unbearable. but you know your mother is worried about your obsession with exy and your father is stressed by these dinners enough without his son running off to watch an exy game. so you stay and poke at your crème brûlée while your sister giggles in your lap as you whisper exy stats into her ears she doesn’t understand.

life is still easy and your only worry is the game you have to play against the neighbouring community, soon.

**ix.**

at nine your mother has a constant edge of fear in her voice. it becomes as familiar as the smell of orchids that always seems to cling to her. your father is never at home these days and lucille grows quickly. you talk to her in a mix of french and english which your mother scolds you for because it will only confuse her, but you think it will be easier for her the earlier she learns.

your mother doesn’t tell you that lucille does not have to learn english.

she sends you to practice more often and is suddenly very adamant for you to be the best at exy. you are in fact the best on your team. you overhear your coach telling your maman that he thinks you are an exception. that you have a rare instinct, you know where the ball will land before anyone can even think about it and he thinks you could be big one day. _“maybe even raven material,”_ he says and you’re excited, because you have heard of the Edgar Allan Ravens, but your mother only smiles tiredly and says, “we’ll see. he’s just a child, right now.”

one night you hear your father coming home and you sit down high on the stairway and peek through the lattice bars of the banister into the foyer where your father walks through the doors. he looks very tired and worn out and scared. your mother hugs him and they talk quietly and suddenly your papa starts crying. you have never seen your father cry and this shocks you so much you let out a gasp.

your parents stare up at you and your mother is already scolding you when your father interrupts her with a gesture of his hands and walks up the stairs to you. he puts his arms around you and pulls you up. he looks at you as if he sees you for the first time, right now.

“jean, my beautiful jean. no matter what happens, please remember I will always love you. will you do that for papa?”, he asks and there are tears on his cheeks again. you reach out and wipe them away. he smiles.

“oui, papa!”

on your tenth birthday you wake up excited as always. the sun is only just beginning to rise and sends rays of orange-golden sunlight into your room. you wait in bed for a few hours until finally your parents come to your room with a cake singing joyeux anniversaire and you blow out all the candles.

something is different. you notice this first when your mother puts you into a suit and pulls a tie around your neck. you protest, because it’s your birthday. but your mother just says, “please jean, pas maintenant!”

you get a lot of beautiful presents, but shortly after you have unwrapped them your father gets very fidgety and starts looking nervously at the clock.

“it’s time céline!”, he says quietly. your mother chokes up a bit and kneels down in front of you. she puts a strand of your hair behind your ear and takes your face in her hands. there are tears in her eyes and you want to hug her and tell her not to cry, but you feel like she has to tell you something. she quickly wipes her cheeks and licks her lips.

“jean, mon soleil. your father will take you on a little trip right now, okay? just the two of you. and then you will go to a place where you can play exy as long as you want and with a professional trainer. i want you to always remember that you are the most important, most beautiful thing in the world and that I will always love you, yes? your maman will always love you, cheri!”, tears run down her face and you want to ask why she’s crying and where you’re going and how long, but your mother presses your head against her shoulder and kisses your hair while her body rocks with her quiet sobs. then she softly pushes you from her.

“say goodbye to your sister, jean,” she whispers and you want to ask so many questions but she turns away and walks up the stairs to your parents bedroom. you don’t really know where you’re going or why, but you have already decided that you don’t want to go there. you hug lucille who asks where you’re going but you just shrug.

your father drives you to the airport and tells you that you’re going to a pro exy stadium and that makes you kind of excited, but you already miss your mother and can’t forget how the tears rolled down her cheeks. on the very long flight to America your father tells you you’re going to Edgar Allan University and you are very excited because they are one of the best teams, but you don’t really understand what you’re supposed to do there.

“they’re interested in your talent, jean. so promise me you will play the best you can, yes?”, you stare at your father and nod. now you’re nervous and a bit scared.

once you’ve landed in west virginia you get picked up by a car and ride to Edgar Allan University. your father doesn’t say anything anymore, but you can see that he is nervous, so you guess that today must be really important. whatever you see on the way, you can always just think about what your mother would say. how she would be disgusted by all these american things. youmissheryoumissheryoumissher.

edgar allan university is big and it scares you. the court is beautiful and you can’t wait to play there, but castle evermore scares you when a man shows you and your father all of the rooms and where everything is. you don’t understand why you have to know all these things and are tempted to shout at him that you will only be here for a day, but you hold back, because your father still looks very scared and you don’t think he would appreciate your temper, today.

then you step into a room to meet the coach. tetsuji moriyama looks scary and does not smile. he looks at you for a long time and then steps away to talk to your father privately. there are two boys your age in the room, as well. one of them has the number one drawn on his cheekbone, the other a two.

“what do the numbers mean?”, you ask hesitantly. number one smiles in an evil way.

“they mean that we’re the best at exy. i am riko and this is kevin,” he says and you look at kevin and ask yourself how he can be satisfied with being second best, but you decide it doesn’t matter. you talk to them for a little while about exy, until the coach and your father return and tetsuji moriyama tells you that he wants to see you play.

you see the fear in your fathers eyes and you think of your mothers tears so the first day you put on your exy gear from home and you play as if it’s your last game. you put everything you have into the game and take everything your body gives you. by the end of the day you’re so exhausted that you don’t think you will ever move again, but after the game riko sends you an approving look and your father looks relieved and that’s all that matters, even though you still don’t really get what’s so important about this. you can only think that maybe they want to offer you a scholarship one day, but you’re ten and will only be able to play for edgar allan in eight years.

the next day you give your best again and in the evening there is a dinner with your father, riko, kevin and the coach. after dinner your father and the coach go to talk about something. riko looks at you and smiles that evil smile of his again.

“you’re going to be number three,” he says and there is a sharpie in his head. you draw your eyebrows together and look confused at the sharpie.  
“i’m going back to france tomorrow,” you say. kevin looks away and riko laughs.

“you really think that? this was your audition jean, you’re a raven now! you’re number three,” he walks over to you and you step back, but he backs you against the wall. you try to push him away, but kevin is already there and holds your arms while you struggle to break free. riko puts the sharpie to your face and presses so hard it hurts while he draws a three on your cheekbone.

when kevin lets you go you almost hit riko in the face, but that’s the moment your father and the coach step back into the room and you think _riko is lying,_ because now that you see your father you know he would never leave you here and the coach would never take in some child. of what use is he to them now? coach moriyama nods at kevin and riko, and they follow him out of the room. before he closes the door the coach gives you a bag and looks at you with a cold stare, then he walks away.

“papa?”, you say quietly. your father's eyes are closed and you can see that he is holding back tears. _riko was lying,_ you repeat in your head, but you already know something is very wrong. you can’t believe it. your papa loves you, he would never leave you here.

“jean, you have to be very strong now and handle this like a grown up. we are only doing this for your best, mon fils. you have a lot of potential and edgar allan will give you the opportunity to make use of it. promise me that you will do your best and listen to coach moriyama.” you try to say something, but he won’t let you so you only nod quickly.

“you’re going to stay here for a very long time and what is most important, now, is that you focus on exy and that you do whatever the coach tells you, yes? you have to promise me to obey and do your best and be strong. it’s going to be hard, but one day you’re going to be the best exy player anyone has ever seen and we will be so proud of you.” your father is sobbing now and you want to ask him why and what this means, but he is already walking to the door after giving you a kiss on the head. at the door he stops.

“we will always love you, jean. don’t ever forget that.” he says and then he leaves. you stand in the room for a few seconds or maybe minutes or hours and then you run to the door and pull it open, but when you look outside there is no one there. you step back into the room and sit down on the carpet. you don’t cry, because you promised to be strong and that means no crying.

slowly you take the bag coach moriyama gave you and look inside. there is a jersey inside with your name on it. it’s pitch black and the font is blood red. there is also a number on the jersey.

three.

**xi.**

at eleven you’re angry. you fight against everything they give and take from you. everything is rules and training and falling into place and you try your best to fight them off.

the nest is a dark hole. there is no sun, no beach and no laughter, just darkness and exy. you know this should be enough, exy should be enough, but you miss your parents and your sister and beautiful marseilles. you’re not like them, because exy isn’t _everything_ to you yet. there are other things that fill the space of your heart and riko and kevin will never understand this.

kevin doesn’t bother you most of the time, he just falls in step behind riko and keeps his head low while riko paints a three on your face every day. it almost makes you hate him more than riko, because he is clearly the better player of the two, but is too scared to step forward. _c_ _oward,_ you think. he disgusts you.

you train every day, because you don’t have a choice and exy is the only ray of light you get in this hell hole. at eleven riko is still a child as well, but that doesn’t stop him from being cruel. he wants you to submit to him and the coach, but everything inside you speaks against this. so he hits you and kicks you until you bleed and shouts, “kneel!”, but you just laugh in his face, so he drags you by your hair and pushes your face into the wall.

you do your best on the court and most of the times you listen to what the coach says if he decides you’re worth talking to. because you promised your parents. but you don’t owe riko anything and you also promised to make your parents proud and to be strong, so when riko spits into your face, “you’re _property_ ”, you snarl at him and fight back.

what scares you the most is the slight glint in rikos eyes when he sees you fighting. it’s hunger and it’s pleasure and you don’t really know what that means for you, but you know it can’t be anything good.

the three of you are the only children around, so you’re bound to always be together, marked as a group by the numbers you hate oh so much. riko expects you to stand in his shadow just like kevin, but you’re not stupid like he is. you’ve got your own brain and the sooner riko learns this, the better.

you’re awed by the older players who are actually students at edgar allan and play for the best team of the nation, but you also can’t understand them. sure, edgar allan is the best team, but still you would’ve never willingly accepted the all consuming darkness and fear and violence for this.

the days at edgar allan are sixteen hours long which makes you constantly tired, moody and it puts you on edge. you and riko are always fighting, coach calls them power struggles, as riko bangs your head repeatedly against the floor. kevin stands at the sidelines and watches.

**xii.**

your twelth birthday starts with pain and ends with exhaustion. two years. two years of playing exy all day long. two years of riko beating you. two years of not seeing your family.

it feels like a lifetime.

when you wake up riko is hovering above you with an evil smile and punches you in the face. the blood runs down your cheek while he whispers, “ _happy birthday number three. happy birthday pet!”_

riko seems to become more and more cruel, he seems delighted when he finds new methods to torture you with. you still won’t break. that’s a promise you’ve made to yourself. you won’t let him break you.

the team is still a bit confused about you, but they have apparently accepted you as a part of rikos _perfect court_. you can’t stop yourself from thinking he is a damn conceited hypocrite. he truly believes that he has the power, the ability to chose the people who will be champions one day. the team already calls him champion and when he beats you, you sometimes grin at him through bloody teeth and whisper, “champion huh?”. that makes him even more angry, but you don’t care. you can survive this and you will do it with your head held high.

kevin helps you afterwards. he tells you to keep your head low, to just _do_ what riko tells you to do, but you just shake your head at him. slowly, you start to understand the relationship between those two, even though you will always detest it.

they have nothing but each other. they are completely obsessed with and love and hate each other at the same time. that’s another reason for riko to hate and push you. he wants you to be like that, too, because he is obsessed with you as well. he watches you on court with hungry eyes and you know he loves your skill but hates your will. he wants you to be his pet, to obey and listen to him, but you still believe that you are _free_.

the training never gets easier and on top of that, you get private teachers, just like riko and kevin. that’s even more time spend with only the two of them, isolated from the rest of the world. left alone in a hole in the ground.

some nights rikos fists feel like caresses, the only kind of human touch you get. in those nights you can almost understand kevin.

you miss your parents this year. you miss being able to draw and play the piano and speak _french_ (riko beats you so hard that you pass out when he hears you say something in french). you regret making exy the centre of your universe even though it’s the only thing getting you through the day sometimes.

the lessons are boring, but it’s something new to the monotony of the daily routine as a raven, so you cling to it and desperately take in every bit of knowledge while riko looks ultimately bored.

there are a few moments when the relationship between the three of you almost resembles something like friendship. mostly, when you’re playing exy, when riko pats you on your back or you teach kevin bits of french in the darkness of the bathroom at night.

 _you’re a fighter_ , that’s the sentence you keep in your head all day long so you won’t break. sometimes you want to scream and sometimes you do. you scream at your father who made the decision that you were the smallest inconvenience to give away, at your mother for giving you away even though she loved you, and why couldn’t she love you anymore? why does no one love you? how could she let you be taken away? at riko and coach for wanting to tame you, and at yourself for being weak.

the hole in your heart grows day after day.

**xiii.**

at thirteen you get stitched up for the first time. usually you only have a black eye and a few bruises, because riko is still a child (something you have to repeat in your head sometimes to make yourself believe it) and he usually isn’t strong enough to leave damage like that.

but he pushes you, and you don’t know if he just misjudged his own strength or if he meant for you to fall down the stairs. it doesn’t really matter anyway. you feel dizzy and the doctor looks at you in a very strange way that does not mean anything good, but he just stitches you up, gives you some pain meds and tells you to lie down for a bit. there is no lying down with riko, though.

while you struggle against his arms, he drags you on the court and you shout that _you can’t play like this_ and he stands over you and looks down. he says, “you will play. stop arguing or you will be punished. obey.”

 _he’s just a child_ , you think to yourself, but he stands over you like a king and you know if you act against him now, pain will follow. so you stare at him and disobey.

you will never forget that pain.

you learn something that day. you’re property. when riko says _play_ , you play. you understand all of that at night while riko presses a burning cigarette to your ribs and whispers, _“obey”_.

at thirteen you slowly start to notice that the isolation has an impact on you. you get nervous when riko and kevin aren’t with you (which is rare anyway). you constantly feel as if someone is watching you, waiting for you to make a mistake and punish you for it. you still won’t bow your head to riko, but you feel your resistance crumbling. you realise that you’re losing control over your reactions to riko, you start subtly wincing whenever someone raises their voice and you notice how sometimes you make yourself smaller than you are, because riko doesn’t like that you’re taller than him.

you’ve also started trembling all the time, which annoys you to hell and back.

but you won’t break, not yet.

**xv.**

at fifteen you have lost all hope. your parents aren’t coming back and you don’t expect them to anymore. riko gets really into torturing. what used to be simple punches as punishment, has now become systematic torture, physical and psychological.

when you make a mistake which leads to your and rikos team losing their game at training on the court, one day, he forces you to break your own pinkie. you bare your teeth, but you obey, because at this point you really just want to prevent yourself from getting injured any more. a month later riko breaks your ankle. you’re not allowed to miss a single training.

your body is on fire most of the time these days. the worst thing is that your body never gets used to the pain, it still hurts like the first time. you drag your body across the court, your lungs are on fire and you can’t move your left foot. riko smirks at you and the master stares mercilessly. there is no way out. you have to play.

after you make a snarky comment at lunch riko visits you when you go to bed. he presses a cloth over your face while kevin keeps you in place. you can’t breathe. tears run down your face and you try to beg, try to tell him, _I can’t breathe, please, I’m going to die,_ but you can’t say anything, so you just stare at kevin helplessly and think, _help me!_

but he won’t.

when riko is done you curl up into a ball, making yourself as tiny as you can and try to stop your body from trembling, but you can’t. kevin puts his hand on your shoulder for a second, a short, comforting touch.

kevin is the only thing that keeps you from drowning these days. yes, he is kind of an asshole and he never stops riko from hurting you, but you understand now that kevin is just as scared as you are. riko doesn’t hurt him the way he hurts you, but he has far more control over kevin's mind than he has over yours. because you still have your anger to hold onto, you still _hate_ riko. kevin believes that riko is everything he has, that he and riko are one. it’s messed up.

riko keeps on waterboarding you, because apparently it’s fun for him. he also pushes you down another set of stairs and you need to go to the creepy doctor more often than you’d like to.

the worst thing is that you can slowly feel your resistance crumble. you start to obey and believe in the word “master” which you used to make fun of. you try your best to keep on fighting them and stay your own person, because the moment you acknowledge that you’re property you will be nothing more than that.

you will belong to riko and stop being jean.

a day before your sixteenth birthday riko drugs you and when you wake up the three on your face is permanent.

it’s the beginning of the end.

**xvi.**

you lie a awake at night when it happens. when the door opens and riko comes inside. he and one of the ravens. you don’t know his name (haven’t bothered to learn it, names don’t mean anything here), only that he is taller, more muscular and in his last year of college. you sit up and stare at them when the man walks to your bed. riko smiles at you, his evil smile.

when the raven starts unbuckling his belt you close your eyes and you whisper, “please don’t do this”. riko hits you and nods at the raven. you can feel your body shaking. 

when he’s done with you the guy just leaves without another word. you’re shivering, curled into a tight ball, your fingers wrapped around your upper arms. your nails are digging into your skin and you try your best to hold yourself together, even though you’ve just been ripped into a thousand pieces and everything hurts. there’s blood on the sheets.

riko is still in the room, because he enjoys seeing you like this. he steps closer to your bed and you scramble away, which makes him grab your arm (your body is shaking so hard you feel like the room is moving around you).

“Who do you belong to?”, he whispers against your ear and you can feel his hot breath against your neck. you whimper and throw yourself at his feet because you can’t speak and you don’t want to be punished any more tonight.

this happens four more times with different ravens. some of the members on the team have started calling you slut and whore, but you can’t bring yourself to care. everything is exhausting these days. kevin doesn’t know what happened, this is the one torture method riko doesn’t let him participate in, and for some reason he seems to have told the team to keep this from kevin as well. maybe he is scared to lose kevin's loyalty over this. the thought almost makes you laugh because kevin doesn’t really care about you. he just latches onto the one person who isn’t cruel in this place.

the fifth time it happens you don’t fight anymore. you just let it happen to you and try to let yourself think of something else until it’s over. that seems to bore riko, so afterwards he decides to use his favourite torture method again: waterboarding.

with sixteen you lose yourself.

everything becomes pointless. you play exy as if you have nothing to lose, because you don’t have anything to lose. you do anything riko tells you to do and you still get punished whenever riko is in a bad mood or just feeling like it.

your life is only pain and more pain, and you start hating yourself for living. you want nothing more than a way out.

**xviii.**

on your eighteenth birthday you try to kill yourself.

after almost losing a game against the trojans you grab a razor blade and slit your wrists, while you lose consciousness you already know it didn’t work, but you still let yourself remember your mothers eyes, fathers smile and sisters laugh and you whisper, “merci”.

you wake up and almost start laughing, because you can’t get anything right can you?! but then you realise that riko is in the room with you and he is furious, because you’re _his pet_ and who do you think you are to think you have the right to decide when to die.

afterwards he makes you a promise. he promises you to hold a gun to your head after graduation and to let you pull the trigger. you just have to stay alive until then. you start counting the days.

**xx.**

kevin leaves.

since you were nine years old you’ve always varied between hating and loving kevin and right now you don’t know how to feel. relieved, because he got away? hopeful, because maybe you have a chance too? angry, because he left you alone? sad, because you’ve lost the one person who still gave a shit about you?

riko is angry. your life has been reduced to riko's moods for a long time now. riko is angry, you nearly die. riko is happy, you won’t be beaten up as bad as usually. that’s what you care about now.

you play as good as you can, but without kevin the team is only half as good and riko needs someone to pin that on, because he will never admit that kevin was their strongest player. the person he blames it on is obviously you. at this point you can almost see beauty in the threads that stitch your skin back together. you don’t think you’re a human being anymore. there is no personality left in you.

you have become a machine that works for the sole purpose of making riko happy and surviving. the flicker of hope (or the memory of what hope used to feel like) is easily put down and left is the emptiness.

riko pushes everyone harder than ever. he’s obsessed with defeating kevin, his anger and madness taking him to new places, making him a new kind of cruel. you are tired of fighting but the anger and jealousy keep you alive. if there is one last thing you want to do, it’s playing against kevin. 

**xxi.**

neil josten is a whirlwind. something wild and untameable. you see the hatred in riko's eyes when he meets the foxes newest player for the first time. but you also see the want. riko loves to break people, especially the ones who have a fight in them.

“he reminds me of how you were when you came here.” riko says with a cruel smile at night, while he carves the words _property_ and _mine_ into your back and you’re glad that you're lying on your stomach so he won’t punish you for your tears. you wish you had the kind of strength josten has. you wish you could still fight.

when you find out who neil really is you’re shocked. you heard of wesninski behind closed doors,  heard of the boy who fled, who escaped. who had a mother that loved him enough to defy the moriyamas. who did what your own parents couldn’t. they weren’t strong enough.

you see the life you could have had, see the boy that was meant to be your partner. the two of you, three and four.

you see him play and understand why he qualifies. he is fast and he’s the only one you have ever met who thinks like you do. someone who can presume everything that happens on the court. who knows where the ball is going before it’s even been thrown. riko looks at you and sees that you’re intrigued. “there he is. your number four. the two of you are really very similar. or he and who you used to be.” he laughs, grabs your neck and squeezes. the reporters throw themselves at it, call it a cute gesture. the deep friendship of the prefect court, while you try not to let them see how you’re gasping for air.

when you meet josten at the winter banquet you have a task that you’re for once willing to fulfil. lure nathaniel out of his shell, make him admit to who he is, get him to talk to riko. you’re fascinated by him, the boy who was meant to be your brother. he’s arrogant and not afraid at all, just like you were. you kind of want to rip his head off.

you spend your time riling him up and killing kevin with your glares. he’s just as much of a coward as you remember him to be. when he left you were surprised and thought that maybe he’d grown a spine, but as it turns out _(surprise, surprise)_ … he hasn’t.

at some point your eyes find the ones of a girl with hair in rainbow colours. first it’s just that, the brightness such a sharp contrast to the darkness you know but when her eyes meet yours, you can’t look away. there’s truth in her eyes and kindness.

you see the surprise on kevin's face when you call nathaniel by his real name, the butcher’s son. not only is he a coward, but stupid as well.

when riko threatens nathaniel later and invites him for the winter holidays, your breath is stuck in your lungs. you don’t know if you should be happy about this or detest it. this boy was supposed to be your brother, this boy is who you were supposed to love and support. the one you could have been leaning on, when you needed someone to lean on. the problem is that he wasn’t. he wasn’t there when you needed him and that’s a reason for you to hate him. it’s easy to hate him, to be jealous. but on the other hand, a part of you is happy about it. is glad that at least one of you could escape. that riko didn’t always win.

-

sometimes you text with renee, just random things to get you through the day. it’s easy and a small rebellion against riko and it feels _so good._ she makes you feel human and you get addicted to it. you do your best not to let riko notice, but he still notices that you’re distracted. you get punished. what’s new?

the year just seems to get worse and worse for you. when you thought about what the winter holidays would be like with nathaniel in the nest you didn’t imagine it to be like this. it’s weird to be the one who leads the pig to the butcher (the irony…). you feel kind of guilty when you help riko put chains on the boy, but what should you do? you can’t disobey the master, can’t disobey riko. you stitch nathaniel up later and let the child hate you for a while. you know how good it feels to pin your anger and pain on a person you can actually show it to, who you can actually hurt.

you soothe him to sleep after riko was there and slowly he learns to open himself up to you, learns to lean on you and you learn what it feels like to have a companion. to bleed together. you don’t really understand this whole thing, but when nathaniel… _neil_ begs you at night to hold him, you just do it, because even though you have endured much worse, it feels good to help.

riko sometimes punishes you for neil's mistakes and makes neil watch him do it, to torture him. you feel like this hurts the child more than anything riko could have done to him, he is used to pain. at night the two of you talk, when one of you (sometimes both) can hardly breathe and cries tears of pain. you talk about the things and people you love. you, about your parents, your sister (after so many years of silence), about drawing and, after choking up a bit, about the ocean, marseilles. neil talks about his mother, about the foxes, the coach, about andrew.  
none of you talk about exy.

these conversations are proof to you, proof for the fact that the end is near.  
but everything that’s good has to end. neil leaves and the only thing that keeps you from breaking down is that you know you won’t have to last very long anymore. even though your official deadline is graduation, you know riko won’t last that long. kengo moriyama is sick and kevin and neil are dancing on riko's nerves. he will lash out and if you’re lucky he will finally kill you.

-

the time moves fast. the foxes win game after game, kengo grows more and more sick and riko more aggressive. most days you have to crawl to practice now. in spring neil josten disappears for a few days, kidnapped, the news say. his father, riko says. nathan wesninski dies after he burns the ‘4’ off neil's face. riko burns your back in revenge. it’s funny to him to keep the partnership between you and the child up, to still punish you for his every mistake. you still can’t hate neil josten though, because a part of him will always be nathaniel wesninski, your brother, your partner, the one who saved you for two weeks. who showed you what you used to be and brought a part of you back.

sometimes you defy riko now. let parts of your personality that you buried years ago come back to the surface and riko hates it. tries to beat it out of  you. you tell yourself that you do it because you hope that it will get you killed faster, but a part of you knows that’s only a half-truth. that there’s a bit of hope in you that you will survive this and be free one day.

**xxii.**

when kengo dies you laugh. you don’t really remember now, but you actually think you laugh all the time, while riko beats you down with an exy stick, you keep laughing while he pushes your head in a bucket of water againandagainandagain. you laugh when he throws you down the stairs, when he pushes you in one of the showers, but when he hits your head against the wall you can’t laugh anymore, you only gasp for air. riko is gone, he is consumed by anger, by hurt, by fear. all of the things that had been right under the surface for months now, are coming up and spitting you in the face for being dumb enough to think there was a chance to get out of this.

when he starts putting a lighter to your back while cutting it open and you nearly suffocate from the water running in your eyes, you look down and watch groggily as your blood mixes with the water. you don’t even know where the blood is coming from now. you keep switching in and out of consciousness, maybe you’re already dead. you don’t feel like there is anything connecting your body parts anymore. sometimes your head bangs against the wall of the stall. is riko still with you? you don’t know. you don’t care. there is not a single part of your body you can feel anymore. sometimes you still feel a bit of pain, but your body is mostly to exhausted. you can slowly feel it giving up. it’s a comforting thought. you’re sure riko has found many new torture methods that are worse than anything you’ve ever endured, because your body (even though it’s already shutting down) keeps jostling awake from the pain. he tries to keep you awake as well, holds the lighter close to your eyes.

at some point he must have left, because when you regain consciousness the next time you’re alone in the stall. it’s cold and there’s blood everywhere. cold water keeps raining down on you. you just lie there and don’t move and hope you will die soon. you know that you’re close, that the end is so very near you can almost taste it. you don’t even try to think of something beautiful, because your mind is in pieces, the only thing you can concentrate on is the pain and _please, please just make it stop. please let me die!_

-

you don’t wake up when someone drags you out of there, don’t notice when soft hands card through your hair and tears fall on your chest. you don’t notice when renee walker checks for a pulse, begs to god and then thanks him because somehow you’re still alive.

you wake up at some point during the drive, wrapped in blankets but still cold. everything hurts, you’re feeling dizzy and nauseous.

“am I dead?” you whisper, because your voice is gone from screaming and laughing. probably at the same time. renee turns her head, there are traces of tears on her face. she looks at you and you think _dying is okay. there’s no need to cry over this._ your body feels like it weighs thousands of pounds and you want to sleep. you want to rest. for the first time in many years you think it will be okay to rest. no one can beat you up over it when you’re dead.

you ask yourself what riko will do with your body. will they keep it, will they bury you at evermore? the thought makes you want to scream. renee reaches back and takes your hand.

“you’re alive, jean. you’re safe.”, she says. she’s a good liar, you think. you smile a bit (you can still do that, that’s a wonder in itself) and close your eyes.

“I’m just gonna pretend for a while, okay? I’m gonna dream…” you whisper, and you miss her answer, because you close your eyes and allow yourself to dream for the first time in years.

to dream and to hope.

-

when you figure out that yes, you actually survived and no, you’re not at evermore anymore, it takes everything in you not to run back to riko. but you think of kevin and what a coward he is, how he needs help to keep him from running back to the nest and you know you’re stronger than this. you know that this is your one shot at freedom.

you get stitched up by abby, the foxes’ nurse. she’s a nice, sweet woman, but her gasps at your wounds get annoying and you can’t stand the bed rest. there’s no resting in the nest. you’re scared all the time and you’re wounds won’t heal. you know that riko is angry and you know he will come after you.

one day kevin actually comes into your room. you haven’t seen much of him since renee sneaked you out of evermore. he’s scared again. maybe that’s just who he is, that’s what makes him kevin. but he actually faces you and brings the trojan’s coach rheman and their captain jeremy knox. you’ve seen knox at games before, with his ridiculous bright smile, tan skin and laugh lines.

he walks into the room and you see both of them wince when they see you, or rather the state you’re in. you are almost compelled to tell them about the time you played against their team with a broken ankle and a slight concussion. you remember puking in the showers afterwards.

“hey, jean. you remember jeremy knox and coach rheman, right?” kevin says in an attempt to be casual, but you know him better than that. you hear how nervous he is in the way there’s a slight shiver in his voice and your brain automatically shifts to _cowardcowardcoward_.

you only give him a blank look, but you shake the hands you’re offered with your left one, because the right one is broken. you learned to be able to write with both hands pretty early. you had to.

“it’s a pleasure to see you again, even though the circumstances aren’t the best…” knox runs out of words and his smile falters slightly, but he quickly picks it back up. “we’re here to make you an offer, if you’re okay with that?”

you look blankly at his wide smile and ask yourself if it hurts to smile that much. you don’t really want to find out. knox looks nervously from you to kevin to his coach when you only keep on staring at him. maybe you should pretend that riko beat you mute. you quickly push that thought away when you remember how close he came to that sometimes. kevin steps forward.

“jean, coach rheman wants to offer you a spot on his team. you could transfer to usc.” he says and tries to catch your eyes. you almost laugh. it’s such a stupid idea and so _kevin_. always with his mind on exy. the only lifeline he ever needed until he got himself the _monster-nain._ exy is one of the last things on your mind right now, but he could never understand that. if kevin would have been beaten to death his last thought would have been what a shame it was that he couldn’t play exy any longer and if maybe god had a court up in heaven.

after a long pause in which rheman stares at you with a piercing look in his eyes, kevin steps from one foot to another and knox smiles nervously, you decide to answer.

“you can’t be serious.” you say quietly. rheman takes a step forward and you can’t stop your body from bolting backwards, against the wall. every bone in your back hurts, but you keep it pressed to the wall, because every part of your body is on high alert. if you’d have spoken to the master like that you would have gotten the beating of your life and you can’t stop yourself from reacting, even though you know there’s a different person standing in front of you. you know that for your whole life every person will seem like a threat to you.

rheman holds his hands up and backs off slowly. knox eyes are as big as saucers and there’s a sad expression on his face now, instead of the constant smile. kevin looks like he wants to bang his head against the wall. you like that expression on his face. you want to see it more often.

“look, jean, we know you’re not fully recovered yet and nurse abby almost smacked me in the head when we told her what we were here to do, because she clearly thinks you aren’t ready for this yet and you probably aren’t. but you should know that this is a good chance for you and that you could have a hard time getting into a team next year. you’re an incredibly skilled exy player and we want you on our team. you can obviously only start playing next year and you will have to take it slow, with the help of a therapist and physical therapy as well. but if you’d agree to join our team we would like to make the announcement now, because everyone is wondering what’s happened to you. we’d all like to blow edgar allan away and this would be another hit for them to take. but you should also know that we won’t force you to do anything, it’s your own choice and we will respect that.”

you keep on staring at him. you know that you’d be a fool not to take this chance, but everything inside of you pulls itself together when you think about touching a racquet again and for a team that isn’t edgar allan as well. you lower your eyes and stare at your hands which are folded in your lap. both of them are tightly wrapped in bandages, one of them is red, because it keeps getting soaked through with blood.

“jean..” kevin says and you look at his face. you remember the nights when he stitched you up, you remember him holding your arms behind your back when riko beat you and you remember your tears falling on his jersey. but you also remember the way you laughed when the two of you were training together, you remember the joy you felt when you blocked shots and what winning felt like. you remember how riko used to beat you when you played better than him.

you have made a decision.

“I’ll do it” you say and look coach rheman in the eyes. you know that knox is probably smiling and kevin probably looks surprised, because _wow, there are people who have guts,_ but for you only this man matters right now. the one who’s offering you a new life, the one you will have to depend on and bend to.

“I’m joining the trojans.”

-

you watch the game of the foxes against the trojans in your makeshift hospital room. you watch your new captain make the most stupid decision ever and curse at him. you see potential in the team and you know that you can help them become even better, but after the game knox makes the announcement of you joining the trojans and everything inside of you twists and turns while you picture the look of rage on riko's face. his favourite toy just got stolen from him on the playground.

he obviously can’t really do anything, now that you belong to ichirou, but that doesn’t stop him from sending you a text.

“you’re dead, pet.” it says and you curl up as tightly as you can and tell yourself to keep breathing, just always keep breathing, because that’s what it takes to stay alive and that’s all you need to be.

-

when the foxes beat the ravens you are frozen. and then you’re happy, but you can’t deal with that either so you puke your guts out until you’re shivering mess on the bathroom floor (you don’t even know how you managed to move your body that far, but you can’t feel any physical pain, your body is in shock) and you are gasping for air while tears fall down your cheeks and you’re being shaken by silent sobs. it’s all too much. you don’t think you can handle all of this. in the past few weeks so many impossible things have happened and you can’t really deal with all this change. you still expect to either be dead or wake up in the nest again, it’s happened before.

you watch them celebrate and you see the look on riko's face when he raises his racquet and you think _this the end,_ again. but it isn’t. because the _monster-nain_ saves neil. and you can’t stop yourself from wondering why nobody ever saved you when riko got his racquet out.

-

the message of riko's death washes over you while your packing your stuff to move to the usc dorms for the summer. you hide inside the bathroom of abby's house for three days, curled up on the floor, trying to remember how to breathe.

you’ve been assigned a therapist, a physical therapist and you’re going to share a room with knox, which is not good, but you can survive it. you know that. while you pack your things you realise once again what little of a life you actually had all these years, all of your things fit into one bag.

leaving is easy. staying at palmetto had felt nothing but temporary and that made you wonder if you would just go back to edgar allan, in the end. moving to usc feels permanent.

-

california is hot. you obviously knew that, but once you’ve landed you feel like you have to choke for air (not a new feeling, after all) and it’s smothering you. the black hoodie heats up in seconds and you’re not used to wanting to rip your clothes of.

knox is waiting for you outside the airport. he wears a t-shirt and shorts, his skin tanned and his blue eyes reflecting the sun. you remember the comment he made after the game against the foxes, about you being too pale, and you grit your teeth. he is smiling again. of course.

“jean moreau!” he exclaims as you walk over to his car (a beat-up truck). “so glad to see you again, I almost thought you bailed on us after we lost against the foxes!” he laughs and you decide not to tell him yet that you were actually _this_ close to doing that. maybe it’s best not to already make enemies with your new team captain.

so you just nod at him and get into the car while he chatters on about the dorms and the campus, the court and what not. you listen with one ear while you try not to wince as you get into the car. your body is still far from healed.

knox pulls out of the parking lot and drives towards campus.

“so what are your majors?” he asks when he stops at a red light. you consider not to answer, since that’s kind of one of your last worries right now. it didn’t matter what you studied at edgar allan, you were there for exy not to study, so you were supposed to choose the easiest subjects. there is a long silence which doesn’t seem to rattle knox at all, he just keeps on smiling.

“I’ve thought about arts.” you say quietly and keep your eyes pinned to the rear view mirror. he smiles and nods his approval as if you needed that. you just try to keep your head low.

when you arrive at usc he shows you around and leads you to your shared dorm room.

“I know it’s not the biggest but you can decorate your side as you like and we’ve got our own bathroom and everything.” he says. his side of the room is bright and colourful with lots of pictures of friends, family and the team with some farm animals in between. there’s a pile of clothes on his bed (with spongebob squarepants sheets on it) and his desk is a mess in itself. you can see his personality shining from every corner. your side seems empty and sad. quite fitting as well.

you put your bag on the bed and turn to knox again.

“so when does practice start?”

-

 _this must be a joke_ , you think. you were prepared for them not to meet your raven standards, but this is just ridiculous. there isn’t any practice over the summer (which you knew and riko would have never accepted) and when knox explains the training schedule you’re baffled. this can’t be it. this cannot be the training schedule that lead the usc to finals so often, this is a joke.

you don’t say anything, because coach rheman is standing next to knox (he’s only on campus during the holidays because of you) and you would never dare to say what you think with your captain and master in the room. so you keep your eyes on the floor while knox explains and only look up a few times, because riko didn’t like you staring at him as if you were challenging him, but you still need to show him that you’re listening to every word he says.

“so we’re starting with half-practices when summer is over and then slowly build up our strength so everyone can get used to it and then we’ll have a few team building activities like the annual trojans run and picnic and the beach party and-“

“how do you expect to win anything with that method?”, it slips out of your mouth and right after that you realise what you’ve done and sink to your knees. they’ve coddled you too much the past few weeks, you forgot how you need to act, they will have to teach you respect again. you stare at the floor and wait for the blows. maybe they will go easy on you, because your new, maybe they think they need to show you who’s the master right in the beginning and you need to brace yourself for a lot of punishment. maybe they will make you sleep in the showers, like riko once did and then wake you up with a kick to the ribs whenever you start to fall asleep.

all of those thoughts prevent you from noticing that the blows aren’t coming. that there’s only silence stretching the room and no one even touches you. after a while you slowly raise your head and look into coach rheman's eyes. he doesn’t look angry, he just looks a bit shocked and sad. knox stares at you with those big sad dog eyes, but you keep your eyes trained on rheman. he slowly lifts both of his hands and you flinch, but he only holds them in front of his body.

“I’m not going to hurt you, jean,” he says slowly. “I can assure you that our team still trains a lot and we’ll do our best to win that damn trophy this year and we think you could contribute a lot to that and would also like to hear about your ideas to improve the team. but I want to tell you right now, that I will not accept unnecessary violence on our court and there is no need for you to be afraid of anyone who plays with you on this court.”

there’s a moment of silence, because you would never interrupt again. then you lower your head submissively and quietly say: “yes, master.”

coach rheman offers you a hand and after carefully glancing at it and then at his friendly face you take it and let him pull you to your feet again.

“and none of that ‘master’ bullshit, yeah?” he says and leaves the room without waiting for your answer. you look through the window and carefully avoid eye contact with knox.

“are you okay?” he asks and you almost want to laugh, because what does he know? you’re never going to be okay. you’re never going to be more than what riko made you.

-

you spend your summer with training to get back in shape and doing physical therapy. knox tries to befriend you, but you don’t want to concentrate on anything that isn’t exy related. you’re still glued to his side, because whenever you’re not you feel as if you’re doing something forbidden and something wrong. a week before the holidays are over you still don’t feel like you’re really as good as you used to be, but you at least know that you’re soon going to be back to your old form.

rheman is coming back again, soon, as well as the team. you haven’t talked to him after the incident and you don’t really know how to act around him. knox is so different from riko, it’s not hard to keep himself from slipping into submissiveness, but you haven’t really experienced him in captain mode so right now your relationship with him is more like the one between you and the other ravens used to be.

when you arrive at your dorm room after physical therapy, the week before the semester starts, there’s a girl sitting in the middle of the room. you know her from playing against her: alvarez. she’s got a wolfish, mischievous grin on her face and you stop at the door and stare at her, willing her to go away.

“well, you’re not a big talker, are you?” she says and gets up. you look at her as if she’s a dangerous animal, because she probably kind of is. she tilts her head to one side and her smile softens a bit.

“I’m alvarez!” she says, but doesn’t offer you a hand. you wouldn’t have taken it anyway. “backliner just like you are. we’re going to have loads of fun on court this year and with your help we’re gonna win.” she says it like she’s sure it’s true. you’re not.

“I’m only here because I wanted to get to know you before the team meeting and make sure we won’t have any issues. we won’t, right?” she raises one of her eyebrows. now it’s your turn to tilt your head slightly and she seems to take that as a ‘yes’, even though you’re not even sure if it was one yourself, since she walks past you to the door.

“why are you so sure that you’re going to win this year?” you ask when she’s already halfway out of the door. she stops and looks at you over her shoulder. there is something in her eyes that you can’t really interpret, it reminds you vaguely of a mix of excitement and challenge.

“I’m sure _we_ are going to win, because we’re stronger than ever and there isn’t a strongest team of the nation anymore.” she says.

“don’t underestimate the ravens.” you say, feeling nervous and scared of the future. of the possibility of having to play against the ravens. of anyone underestimating the ravens, but alvarez only grins.

“there’s nothing to be scared of anymore. they lost you and kevin, they’re doomed.” she says and leaves the room. she didn’t mention riko, even though the ravens lost him as well.

-

training is even worse than you thought. you knew they weren’t up to raven standards, you knew that knox’ training schedule is ridiculous and no one even knows what raven drills are. what you didn’t know was that apparently no one deemed it important to train over the summer, the first training is an excuse to share summer memories and no one takes the championships seriously yet. you are very close to knocking your head against the wall.

the players introduce themselves to you, some excited and overenthusiastic, some suspicious and more reserved, some polite and friendly. you just nod at everyone and say your name. you’re not here to make friends. they try to involve you in their conversations, while they do (very) light, unmotivated stretches, but you try to fend them off by answering in short sentences. after a while they seem to understand the pointlessness of their attempts.

after that the team starts taking laps and you almost roll your eyes when you see them almost walking and joking around with each other while jogging. but rheman is watching somewhere and you can’t act disrespectful _again_. so you just keep to yourself and jog in a fast, raven-appropriate speed, just concentrating on the way your feet are moving, your heart throbbing in your chest and on your breathing. soon, you’ve found a rhythm and blend everything else out.

after some time alvarez pulls you out of your trance when she catches up with you (breathing very fast) and slaps you on the back. you immediately flinch and jump to the side going into full defence mode.

“hey, sorry. didn’t mean to startle you!” she says apologetic and slows down a bit, but you pull yourself together and go back to your usual pace. you stare angrily at your feet and run a bit faster, but alvarez keeps up with you.

“you take this pretty seriously, hm?!” she says a bit out of breath and smirks at you. you roll your eyes and go even faster.  
“you would as well if you really wanted to win this year.” you say and start doing high knees. she rolls her eyes and does so as well.

“c’mon moreau, this is the first training, we’ll start training seriously soon enough, but we need to build up our strength otherwise we’d exhaust ourselves.” you scoff at that.

“you wouldn’t have to if you trained over the summer!” you say and then decide you're done with this unnecessary, pointless discussion and break into a sprint. she can’t keep up with you now and slows down to a slow jog while you practically fly over the court. at some point coach rheman blows the whistle and the team slowly gathers at half-court. you're frustrated because everything goes so slowly with this team, but you just stand next to your new team mates and keep your lips pressed together.

“the new season is starting soon and we’ve got a good chance at winning it this time.” the coach says with a satisfied smile. you ask yourself what he’s got to be satisfied about, but chastise yourself quickly. you’re not allowed any judgement over the master.

“as you already saw and probably also heard a few months ago we’ve got a new player on the team who transferred from edgar allan, but let me do the formal introduction right now: this is jean moreau!” the team applauds enthusiastically and you almost groan, because if this team really wants to win this they will have to work a lot harder than what they’re used to. it won’t be enough to have you on the team, especially not in your weakened state. now you feel the strain in your legs and how the movement pulled at your stitches. you don’t know if you will ever fully heal.

you look at your new team mates and think about all the work that’s got to be done. you already feel incredibly tired. you can’t even bring yourself to care about this right now.

this isn’t what you thought it would be.

-

it gets harder from then on. it gets harder to keep your mouth shut about their incompetence, it gets harder to hide away and it gets harder to keep the memories away. you refuse to see a therapist, but you know that soon they are not going to accept that answer anymore. the training, the everyday life and routine gives you flashbacks. you’re still scared all the time, but you’re trying to keep your mask on, you can’t let them see beneath the surface.

knox and alvarez try to make friends with you, the rest of the team try to invite you as well, but they are quick to give up on you. you give rude answers, ignore them and keep to yourself.

it’s the third week of the semester when you can’t muffle the screams. the nightmare was of riko leaning over your bed and cutting you open. you must have screamed in your sleep, because when you wake up knox is leaning over you with a worried expression and this hits to close to home. you make yourself as small as possible on the bed and crawl away from him.

“hey, jean. calm down, it’s okay!” knox says and looks at you with those sad eyes. you stare at him and slowly stop only seeing rikorikoriko and thinking painpainpain. you unfold yourself, but never take your eyes off of him. you don’t trust anyone. that hasn’t changed, probably won’t ever change.

“you don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you, but you should know that I’m always here and willing to listen. and trust me, I’m a good listener, I’ve got a lot of sisters!” knox says with a small smile. you stare at him for a second. you wish you could understand him.

the two of you stay that way on your bed for hours.

-

the art class you're taking is the most enjoyable thing at the moment. the theory is somewhat boring, but you love the projects, love that you’re allowed to just take a blank canvas and draw what you want to.

riko never allowed you to draw.

the first semester project is supposed to be about change which is just really predictable and boring. so you decide to interpret it in a different way, but you still don’t know what exactly you’re going to do.

it feels as if you’re stuck in every aspect of your life. again.

-

“why the long face, moreau?” alvarez asks while she’s jogging next to you. her hair is up in a high ponytail and she winks at laila every five seconds. you speed up every five seconds just to annoy her.

“I have no idea how you expect to win any game this year. especially if captain goldie really wants to follow through on the horrendously stupid idea of playing second halves. no one on this team has enough condition, aim or speed.” you growl with a pointed glance to thompson and clark who are only walking and joking at this point. alvarez laughs and throws her head back. you really don’t understand what she finds so funny about this.

“that’s the most I’ve heard you say since…ever. you must be well annoyed with us.”

when she says that you stop abruptly and she has to turn around and jog back to you.  
“this is not a joke, alvarez. I’m telling you right now, your team is not gonna make it this year.”

you can see her eyebrows draw together and how she slowly becomes angry.

“well captain pessimist, if you think we’re so bad why don’t you make suggestions to Jeremy on how we could improve. it’s _our_ team that’s not going to make it if you’re right. all you ever do is bottle up your anger and sulk and brood to yourself, instead of participating in this game and trying your best to make it work.” after saying that she takes off without a look back and you clench your fists.

you can’t make _suggestions_ to the captain or the master. that’s disrespectful and inappropriate and you’d get punished for it. not worth the risk at all.

-

as you have predicted the first game is a massive fail. the team plays as if it doesn’t know how to work together anymore, a lot of them lost trust in their captain and most of them are still in holiday mood and don’t take it seriously. they thought it was going to be an easy game. they lose.

you do your best to protect the goal but the other backliner is shit and you’re done with him after about five seconds. if there was one good thing the time as a raven taught you, it was that to win you had to play as a unit, you had to understand how every person on the court worked and know them enough to predict their movements. that’s exactly what the trojans lack right now. they used to be a unit as well, but that was based on friendship and now that a few players left and the team reformed they don’t know how to work with each other anymore.

that only underlines all of their other weaknesses. laila is an amazing goalkeeper, of course, but she can’t hold everything. it doesn’t help that every body check sends you into panic and pain. everything's connected to a bad memory and your body hasn’t healed yet. good thing you learned early on to play through everything.

when the game is over, knox tells the team in the changing rooms that they did well and that next time is going to go better. you are very close to slamming your head against a wall.

“well, at least we still got alcohol, right ladies?” thompson says and throws his arms around alvarez and another girl, simmons or something. alvarez shrugs his arm off but grins.

“party at the zaza tonight, guys. I’m checking who’s there and anyone of you that does not show up will be dragged out of bed and to the club personally by no one else but me.” she puts her most evil smile on her face and looks pointedly at you. you roll your eyes, because that’s _so not_ going to happen.   

…

turns out you really didn’t have a choice. there is no way to escape when alvarez and laila come to your room and drag you outside, while knox walks behind you with a wide smile and says “oh it’s gonna be so much fun!” and you want to punch him in the face, because no, it’s not going to be fun at all and he can so go fuck himself. captain sunshine can go to hell. it’s just as warm there as in California anyway.

the club is full enough that it seems like it’s going to burst. it’s dark and smells like cheap alcohol and too much perfume. the music is too loud and people still try to shout over it. at some point your eyes will just stick to your upper eyelid from rolling your eyes too often and too hard.

laila tries to drag you to the dance floor, but you shove her away which earns you an angry glance from alvarez. you couldn’t care less. knox keeps talking to you, even though you can’t hear anything and you’re not interested in what he has to say. since the night when you woke up from your nightmare he seems to think the two of you are friends or something, because he sticks to you even harder. you also suspect that he has been talking to kevin, because of the “ravens can’t be alone” thing. you are somewhat thankful for that, but it gets overshadowed by how annoying knox is.

“you know you don’t have to drink, right?” knox shouts worried when thompson slams shots of vodka in front of the two of you. you look at him suspiciously. your tolerance for alcohol is pretty high due to the amounts you always had to drink when kevin stitched you back together. you basically started drinking when you were twelve, but right now you are in an unfamiliar environment with people you barely know and you could drink for fun for the first time.

you knock the shot back, knox smiles at you (does he ever do anything else?!) and does the same. after a while he leans over into your space from where you’re both sitting on barstools.

“you know, I’d really like to know why you’re so against all of this. why are you so angry at us? why won’t you let us in?” he asks with sad puppy eyes and, _oh,_ he must have been drinking more than you noticed because he’s slurring slightly.

“whatever.” you answer and he starts pouting and hands you the next shot.

“no really, I want to know. what am I doing wrong?” knox looks strangely small and lost the way he sits there and plays with the hem of his shirt. he lost a game tonight.

maybe it’s the alcohol or you’ve just become soft due to the influence of all these people but you sigh and take the shot.

“it’s not you. it’s just that your team sucks and you’re not willing to do anything about it.” you say and he seriously looks at you as if you just told him that there was a unicorn living in your bedroom selling enchiladas.

“what are you talking about?” he asks. “sure, we lost tonight, but-“

“let me be honest with you, knox. your team has no motivation, their skills at exy in general are barely acceptable. you’re not training as often and as hard as you should be and there is no sense of unity at all. you. suck.” you realize that that was pretty harsh, but right now your brain has forgotten who you are talking to so right now is the only time that you can give knox the hard facts, when usually you would have already sunk to the floor and begged for forgiveness. you’re actually pretty confused that knox hasn’t hit you yet. he just looks at you as if you kicked his puppy.

“w-w-well it’s a-a new season and e-everyone is s-still rusty from summer and-“ knox stutters and looks really sad and confused. you want to pat his head. why do you want to pat his head? your reaction to this strange desire is aggressiveness. because you’re smart like that.

“oh, come on knox. you must have noticed that this coddling isn’t working. you’re not going to win a single game like that.” the shouting that you’re doing know is only partially, because of the loud noise. knox kicked puppy face turns frustrated and a bit offended.

“well, you could have offered your help anytime, you know? but all you do is sulk. if you think we suck then try to help us. and stop talking about the team as if you’re not a part of it! you’re not a raven anymore, moreau. you’re a trojan!” he looks really angry now.

you don’t know what it is that makes you get up and leave. maybe it’s the fear of making your captain even more mad, maybe it’s because you might have hit him if you had stayed, or maybe it’s because he now made it inevitable for you to ignore the fact that he said out loud.

that at this point you might actually have to accept that you are not a raven anymore and you have to start playing for your new team, now, instead of living in memories of a team that was better than any other. it’s something you don’t want to face, so you take the way out, because now you actually have a way out and that’s a completely new feeling for you.

on your way out you pass alvarez and laila tangled up in each other, thompson dancing wildly on top of a table and other team members doing the macarena to a song that is definitely _not_ the macarena.

so that’s your team now.

-

there is something about waking up from a nightmare. there is something inside of you that asks for help, for someone to take your hand and take you away from the dark place in your head that keeps you hidden from the world. you get lost in your brain and there is no way out, but maybe the worst thing about it is, that you still hope for someone to help you, to chase the nightmare away.

you should have learned pretty early that no one is going to come. you managed to train yourself to lose hope in the nest, because hope is the thing that will kill you in the end. but you couldn’t train yourself to lose hope in your dreams.

when you wake up that night, the alcohol still in your veins, your head spinning and your mouth tasting like blood, you wake up, because someone finally gave you that helping hand. because someone had the mercy to pull you out of the deep, dark depths of your own psyche. you’re sweating, but you also feel cold and there are tears in your eyes and a broken plea on your lips. your eyes are wild and unfocused and you still _can’t breathe_.

until there is a voice that tells you to take slow breaths, that tells you to take the air in slowly and then push it out. a hand on your back, that first sends you into panic, but then calms you down by rubbing slow circles onto your back and softly pushing your head between your knees.

jeremy knox.

-

you meet him on the court the day after that. it’s still an hour until training starts, but you know you have to confront him about what happened the night before. you can’t have that standing between you and your captain.

he stands with his back to you, but you make yourself known by knocking your racquet against the wall. he tilts his head a bit and nods at you. it’s very unlike captain sunshine, so you raise your eyebrows and stand beside him.

“I thought about what you said last night.” he says after a long pause, still keeping his eyes trained on the court. you try to read from his face what he feels. try to estimate the chance of getting out of this without injury.

“and you’re right, I’ve been too soft with them. I kind of still felt guilty because of last year and wanted to give them an easy start to slowly work them into it, but I’ve come to the same conclusion as you did: it doesn’t work like that.” you don’t say anything, you’ve made your point clear the night before and there is no need to pour more salt into the wound and risk an outburst. don’t let them say riko didn’t teach you anything.

knox now turns completely to him and looks him in the eyes. he doesn’t look much like a puppy right now, more like a grown golden retriever that looks with determination at the stick he’s going to chase.

“but that doesn’t mean that I think the way you’ve handled the situation so far is right either. you’ve completely excluded yourself from the team and haven’t tried anything to make it better.” he makes a pause there, as if to let you object, but you don’t say anything. you have to admit to yourself that he is kind of right. a little bit. when knox notices that you’re not going to say anything he moves on, looking at the court again.

“so I’m going to make you an offer. you’re allowed to help me with training methods and practice schedules and to use some raven methods as well, but only after discussing them with me and coach rheman before.” he says and you draw your eyebrows together. that’s going to be a lot of work, to train them to raven standards, but you suppose you can do it and the idea of a team playing on that level while also playing fair and without violence makes you oddly excited. but there must be a catch, and there is, because knox looks at you warily and raises his voice again.

“but only if you promise to get a therapist or meet with the team therapist, take part in the team activities, try to include yourself in the team and maybe even try to start opening up to some of us, me for example.” you already start to raise your voice, but he stops you with a gesture that makes you lower your head submissively and immediately he is back to his old self with the sad puppy eyes and all.

“look, I know it’s a lot to ask from you, I know that none of us can even imagine what kind of stuff you’ve been through, but we want to help you and I promise you that you have all the time in the world and we’re not going to push you to do things you don’t want to do. but I want you to give us, this, me a chance! we could be brilliant this year, jean. with your help, we could win this year, but not if you’re not healing properly on the outside as well as on the inside. I want you to be safe and happy, I want you to start trusting us and I also want us to win this year. so these are my terms and I really hope you’ll accept them, but I want you to think about all of this for a few days before you make a decision. So, let’s start practice, yeah?!”

after that rant knox jogs away quickly, as if he’s scared that you’re going to scream “no” to his face immediately after he’s finished talking, which, you must admit, you considered for a second.

but it’s probably best to think about his offer, before outright refusing it.

and it’s even better to play exy, first.

 

-

 

maybe, you think, recovery will be an option for you.

 

_with jeremy knox by your side, you might have a chance._


End file.
